A Letter From Love

because I’m lost for words.

howdy y’all <3 it’s been a minute! i haven’t written in a while and i promised to be honest here, so allow me to explain:

i didn’t have anything to say. these past few months, i’ve felt entirely disconnected from myself. anytime i sat down to meditate, tried to journal, went for a walk, or had an ounce of downtime, there was nothing…no thoughts, no words, only static. i began filling the void by numbing—overworking, filling my calendar, running around like a chicken with my head cut off, and smoking weed before bed so my subconscious would quiet down in my dreams and grant me some rest. then a few weeks ago at work, a ‘regular’ came back to the counter as she was about to head home. she reached across the counter, grabbed my hand, and said, “I don’t normally do this, but I want you to know that you’re a smart, brilliant, beautiful, FUNNY, radiant human being…but there’s a deep and pervasive sadness behind your eyes. I just want you to know that I see it, and I’m here to help if need be. but I also know that if you just let it in and and allow yourself to really feel it, so much joy and peace is on the other side.” she gave my hand a squeeze, and left.

I stopped numbing and started feeling. I knew more/bigger changes needed to happen, and even with that awareness, I pressed on. I tend to be avoidant and high functioning that way, but grit only gets you so far. it was my birthday on saturday, and you know what I got? a massive fucking panic attack. even with infinite gratitude for the overwhelming goodness in my life, the fact that i’m not at all where I thought i’d be at twenty-seven felt crippling and bleak. I cried and shook and cried some more. i felt it ALL at once, and when I came up for air, I remembered Liz Gilbert’s practice for times like these…to write yourself a different kind of ‘love-letter’—a letter from Love itself (aka. God, Source, Spirit, Allah, Nature, the Universe, etc.) I dragged myself to my desk, pulled out a notebook, and asked, “from this place, Love, what would you have me know?” Here’s what she had to say.

OHH my beloved hummingbird,

What’s with all this buzzing around? you were made to hum. I don’t need you to be extraordinary, tiny one, I need you to just be. To hold your spirit as a candle to this inner darkness and exist as only you can. You set such high expectations for yourself and your life, little sapphire, but there’s nothing to prove here, nothing to achieve. My peace is everywhere always, and it’s yours for the taking. What’s essential is invisible to your eyes, trust me—the absence of what you want doesn’t make you unworthy of it, that space is meant to be filled with curiosity and delight as to how things will unfold. Your only task is to perform well the character I have assigned to you—to understand accept, desire, and excel at being your bright and beautiful self. I’ll take care of the rest.

my precious flying jewel, I created you small and mighty, but not everything is yours to carry. take inventory and an honest view within…what’s taking more than it gives? what outdated beliefs, stories, people, and things are no longer serving you? let them go, little bird, lighten the load. your heart is large compared to others (especially for your size), so I know all this buzzing around is love-induced, but you reserve none for yourself, sweetheart. focus inward and prioritize using your energy to love and accept yourself first and foremost, I’ll take care of everyone else. there are no rules against gentleness, my dear—you’re more than enough just as you are…it’s okay to be still. your mind is like muddied water…if you’re patient and allow yourself time, the truth will be made clear. REST and give yourself some grace, my love.

just because you can do hard things, doesn’t mean you should or have to. you’ve been flitting around, taking teeny little sips from every flower in the garden (even the ones you don’t like), wasting your limited time and energy. wouldn’t it be easier and just as beneficial to savor the sweet, abundant nectar from your most favorite bloom? your time as a baby bird convinced you that love, joy, peace, and ease were things you had to earn, but that’s simply not the truth—they’re your birthright. I’m here to tell you that as soon as you stop pushing against your nature, you can simply follow the pull of life, let your guard down, and just allow those things in.

remember who you are and the life you promised yourself, but remain open to all of my little nudges. hope and fear are full of want and worry, and they’ll make you an enemy to the life right in front of you. they send your thoughts too far ahead, in every direction, all over the place, and nothing will ever be enough. shift your focus from what’s lacking, to what’s good and abundant in your life—in other words, be where you are and befriend yourself there. instead of incessant striving and trying harder and harder, clear your mind. great moments and things are most often the result of childlike self-forgetfulness as opposed to calculated thinking.

my flying ray of light, to live is to exist in a constant state of change—you can’t shine brightly all the time. therefore shaming yourself for inevitable shifts is like grabbing at the wind. there’s no ‘bad’ in things changing, just as there’s no ‘good’ in staying persistent where things aren’t working…that’s a recipe for burnouts and breakdowns. there’s only acceptance, and acceptance isn’t passive—nor is it failure, quitting, or settling—it’s a catalyst toward moving forward. it’s the first step towards the truth, towards an authentically aligned and beautiful life. you’re in control of what goes in and what goes on in your mind and heart. keep them clean and clear…be gentle and protect them with love.

my darling sun gem, seek out and rejoice in stillness. you’re a human being, not a human doing. with too many inputs and responsibilities, the wild and whirling everything takes over and there’s no room for peace…just noise. disconnect from the static of the world in order to deeply connect with yourself and those you love. it’s impossible have insights, find clarity, and feel my presence if you’re never in touch with yourself or always on the move. you have my permission to go slowly, get lost, be unreachable. connection with yourself comes with frequent doses of solitude, silence, and reflection.

there’s no pressure, just presence. instead of achieving worldly things, achieve a void. insecurity, overthinking, desperation, and doubt will make it nearly impossible…don’t defeat yourself before you begin. grant yourself some space in time to nest up in your heart and authentically respond to what life is demanding of you. ‘satori’ is a term coined by zen masters as an illuminating insight—when an inscrutable truth becomes obvious and inescapable. no one achieves that state going a million miles a minute. overwhelming peace comes through conscientious deliberation, connection with yourself, and deep understanding.

live in faith, be guided by your spirit, and eagerly (though patiently) wait to receive all the glory and grace that is your birthright. follow your unique path to personal freedom, and watch all that faith express itself as love. embrace what nature has in store, ride the wind, and soar towards your truth. and when your mind gets the best of you, remember the simple miracle of being alive. how all you see has been created by invisible forces and the divine unfolding of things. slow down and get in touch with all the worlds wonder.

count it all joy. have fun. HUM. xoxo

so with that, i’m taking the rest of the year off—disconnecting in order to reconnect. writing has been and always will be cathartic for me, and now that i’ve got myself and my words back, i’ll see you here in 2024! i love and appreciate each and every one of you more than words <3 please grant yourselves the generous energy, grace, and love you show others…there’s an unending supply that inflation can never touch!

with all my love and gratitude,

the freckled heron

P.S. a playlist before I go…enjoy <3